Ever had one? When you’re just raring to get going on a project or do a bit of work and…nothing. Nothing happens.
Had one of those days this weekend.
I said I would put up the best effort to be positive and work on being positive, but…well, it doesn’t come easily to me, this being positive, as I am not a naturally optimistic person. I’m hopeful, yes. But I believe that is a separate thing entirely from being positive. I see this hope as a lifeline–it helps me keep myself from drowning, basically. Beyond that, well…it’s this.
I am an exhausted, guilt-ridden mom at this point. (Reasons for the latter will likely appear as we go along.) Mostly happy, but a lot of the time, worn out from the balancing act that is parenting children, cats, and dogs, an entire household, various relationships, and being me.
I don’t pray formally. That is to say as much as I was raised in the Roman Catholic religion, I had always preferred randomly addressing my inner dialogue to the Lord instead of saying prayers learned by repetition. (Truthfully, I never really liked the repetition.)
So I prayed. I prayed as I hurriedly dressed for bed, brushed my teeth, and I prayed still as I nursed my son to sleep.
Then this song played in my head. You understand that, don’t you? That moment when something you’ve not thought about in ages just clicks on.
I still haven’t calmed down. I’m still not feeling 100%. In fact, “Shoot myself in the head” has become my favoured phrase for days like this one. But I know I’ll get there.