Okay, a little bit of seriousness for now, just to process what’s been going on offline.
I have long since accepted that I am easily misunderstood. I have always laughed at the most awkward things. I have always laughed at the most inappropriate things.
To me, it’s a coping mechanism.
There are times when I laugh because I have no other reaction to give. There have been times when I laugh because laughter is the only way to diffuse the rage. There are things I say that are inappropriate and mean but it’s also the only other way I can safely diffuse what it is I am feeling–and stop myself from actually doing something I shouldn’t.
I like to talk. I talk things out all the time, be it to myself or to someone I trust. Usually, if you catch me saying something inappropriate, it’s a signal that I’m thinking of something that I cannot quite get a grip on yet. I may say harsh words, I may express things in a way that can damage the target person or issue. This is also why I usually say it to someone else.
I fully support being honest with loved ones, I really do. Just that sometimes, the price of this honesty can come with further issues. I can say that because I’ve experienced it. I’ve paid the price for being honest, telling white lies, and telling outright lies. Most times, there really is no way to win.
It stings because I’ve been constantly told, growing up, to try and understand [everyone]. On some people, I suppose it works. On me, it just gave me a feeling that everyone deserved to be understood except me. Admittedly, it has broken me and changed me a great deal.
I still have no answers save to keep praying to see the light beyond what’s casting the shadow.